Flavored Crap

So I'm a big guy and I require lots of liquid nourishment. I usually drink a substantial amount of water every day, just for health's sake (plus I work out a substantial amount). I need to stay hydrated for my intense workout sessions with my brother - who usually kicks my trash with his godlike endurance. Just the other day as we were returning home from one of our nightly body thrashing sessions I was unusually dehydrated. We decided to stop by Kroger - as we usually do- on the way home to purchase a few items of food. While we are walking around Kroger my thirst pains me. I think to myself

"I'm going to die"
"Not really...this watermelon looks good"
"Maybe I really am going to die, I can't swallow...there's no saliva"
"Oh look, some tomato and fresh mozzarella salad, yummy"

As we leave for home, I realize that I forgot to purchase anything flavorful to drink. And YES I know that I need to drink water but honestly I want something with some flavor. I want juice.

Now normally we are, at the R household, avid juice consumers. We like our flavor and our sugar and we're proud of it. I assumed that we, being the avid juice consumers we are, will have some sugary concoction to consume at our chambers. I was only partially correct.

I arrive home and peer into the fridge like a bear rummaging through someone's trash

This is me feeding.

I am about to devour what we have left in our usual juice vessel when I taste the most horrible taste in my life. I am perplexed as to whom could have made such a horrible tasting mixture, and, like the bear, I begin to search for the source. And I find it.

THE MOST HORRIBLE TASTING SUBSTANCE ON THE PLANET

And our pantry is full of it! Normally we buy the nectar of the Gods, namely Welch's frozen juice concentrate.

Nectar of the Gods

But, for some reason, we have abandoned reason for madness. Hope for hopelessness. Joy and happiness for pain and agony. I think you get the picture. Let me give you an argument against Crystal Light, other than the given fact that it tastes somewhere in between crack cocaine and baking powder.

Phenylalanine and Aspartame - The miracle sweetener. In our quest to become thin, we have invented things to "sweeten" our beverages that contain little to no caloric value. A little Google search for Phenylalanine yielded me THIS website, which lists 92 different side effects of the miracle sweetener.

You can have it! I'll take the extra calories, at least my fruity beverage won't taste like poop and kill me at the same time.